Dear Magazine Consumer…

Dear Magazine Consumer,

Are you a human being? Are you one of Aristotle’s rational animals? Or are you some sort of bizarre hybrid between adult man and diaper wearing toddler? I don’t think this is an abnormal question, that being your difference between infant and adult. For instance, you espy a magazine that engrosses your attention. You then begin to commit the sins of magazine purchasing.

Sin 1. You stand, exactly where you picked up the magazine, and begin to thumb through it idly. You read articles until they force you to pay attention, or are broken up between pages. This is a sin because you are in everyone’s way when you peruse in this manner. It is a subset of this sin to read the entire magazine while standing. This defeats the point of buying the magazine and makes you look stupid.

Sin 2. You laugh out loud at articles that you find funny. If you catch yourself doing this, please buy the magazine and go home. There is no good reason to guffaw in public over the amusing celebrity caricture in MAD. Also, MAD is officially no longer funny. Just to give you a heads up.

Sin 3. Exclaiming to your friends over what recent scandal your favorite / hated celebrity has caused is embarrasing. Not just to you, but to society in general. If you are such a failure of a human being that you find the antics of people who don’t care that you exist and with whom you will never have any sort of meaningful reaction, then you should do the only sensible thing and remove all of your sensory organs. Starting with your skin.

Sin 4. If a magazine is wrapped in plastic – for whatever reason – THEN FOR THE LOVE OF GOD KEEP IT THAT WAY. I don’t give a bleeding fuck if there is the secret to immor-god damn-tality in there. If you have any decency in you, you will keep your sweaty paws from tearing open that plastic. This goes double for you guys out there. It has absolutely no relevance how much you want to see Tera Patrick’s plastic bone-sheath OR Vida Guerrara’s rear-end ham sacks. IF YOU OPEN THE PSUEDO-PORN THEN YOU SHOULD BUY THE PSEUDO PORN. THAT, ladies and gentlemen, is the fundamental principle of why they come wrapped like that. To reward those who have faith in their product (Whether it be the February issue of Black Ass Magazine or Old Women with Too Many Cats Crosstitching Weekly) enough to shell out the 5.99 to buy it. That’s how it works folks. You shell out the dough, you get the rewards. I’m not even going to start on people who take the free DVD’s that come in computer magazines these days. Bottom line – You tear that plastic, I hope you burn.

Sin 4. Say, by some twist of fate, you perform Sin 1, yet you take the magazine elsewhere. Do not just put it down when you’re done. I would most assuredly hope you don’t do that with everything that takes your fancy, do you? “Hmm, I’m done with this sandwich I’m just going to put it here, on this kids’ head.” Does that seem right to you? Or maybe you just think the magical mystical newstand fairy will whisk your insipid little Eurotuner magazine back to its rightful place like some lost Russian heir? Well you know what, it does. The magical newstand fairy DOES whisk your insipid magazine back to its right place. And everytime that happens, the fairy takes a price. Its pound of flesh, if you will. Every time the newstand fae has to perform this base, meaningless task, a hundred infants are sacrificed by suffocating them with puppies. Live puppies. Think about that.

Sin 5. There really isn’t too much more I should have to tell a grown person about this, so here goes: If. You. Take. A. Magazine. And. Don’t. Buy. It. You. Will. Put. It. Back. Where. It. Goes. Anything else is to tell the world you are lazy and inconsiderate.

Sin 6. Do not be upset when we do not carry your magazine. Scientists, through years of experience and testing have finally concluded that the sun, and not you (as was previously thought) is the center of the galaxy. How’s that? What’ll those wacky scientists come up with next?

Sin 7. This, as numerology will state, is the number of completion. And I think that it has a deep correlation with everything else in this list of woes. It sounds simple: Buy your magazine. So very simple. And yet, day by day, humanity as a whole refuses. I have tried several times to end this article on a funny and irate note, but every time I get to this sin, I die a little inside because I know, right now, as I type this, people are doing all of the above. Just buy it if it interests you, people. I beseech you – Buy Them. Buy them so I don’t have to kill again.


~ by metathesis on January 31, 2007.

One Response to “Dear Magazine Consumer…”

  1. […] If you want to laugh hard and also check your own magazine-browsing habits, go read Ryan’s “Dear Magazine Consumer…” on his blog. There are 7 sins — avoid […]

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